Arguments are an integral form of communication. If you look back in history, some of the greatest ideas had been born from arguments and some of the most passionate marriages we know involved partners with contrasting personalities and a penchant for spirited debate. Arguments can be considered even as a sign of a healthy marriage; when married couples argue, it’s often out of concern for each other. But anger can make you blind to the good intentions of your partner.

It’s normal for marriage couples to argue. It’s even normal for emotions to run high when you feel strongly about a particular issue. But if you don’t want anger to ruin your marriage for good then you need to learn how to effectively handle arguments between you and your spouse.

Don’t raise your voice.

If you do, your spouse might be provoked into doing the same even though he doesn’t mean to. Also, there’s no valid reason for you to raise your voice. If you feel frustrated then take deep breaths instead of yelling it out. You’ll feel better that way. If you want to raise your voice so that you could be heard, simply wait for your spouse to finish what he has to say and wait for your turn.

When two persons use mild and even voices while arguing, they are less likely to feel volatile or say something they’d regret later on.

Give it time.

If you are suddenly confronted with an issue that you want to take up with your spouse, your first instinct is to blow off your steam as quickly as possible. Nothing will satisfy you except having your spouse hear your tirade. It doesn’t matter if your spouse is sure to be tired from work or is still recovering from a nasty bout of flu. What matters is that you get to speak your mind right now.

Think back on the times you did just that. The feelings of satisfaction were short-lived, weren’t they? Victory didn’t taste quite as sweet as it should have, did it? That’s because deep inside yourself, you know it hadn’t been right to let your anger overwhelm your logic.

Don’t succumb to the urge to argue every time it hits you and even if you know you’re on the right. Arguments spawned by anger are never good. When you feel the need to argue, find another outlet to let off steam. Do something you like and would take your mind off your anger. Read a book, go out shopping, play golf---anything is okay as long as it gives you the time to calm down.

When you’ve cooled off, examine your feelings and reassess the issue. Do you still feel like taking it up with your spouse or does it seem like a petty issue now?

Always try to see it from your partner’s point of view.

There are always two sides to a story and majority of arguments can be easily and quickly resolved if both partners are determined to keep an open mind. When you’re arguing with someone, your tendency is to list the number of reasons that the other party is wrong and the reasons that you’re right.

Rather than doing that, how about listing all possible reasons why the other party could be right and the possible reasons you could be wrong? Doing this will allow you to be more objective and more understanding of the other person’s motives.

Never let yourself forget as well that whatever it is you and your spouse are arguing about, he or she is sure to want to reach an amicable end to the argument as much as you do.

Don’t bring up past issues.

That’s when waters become more muddied and the urge to do some mud-slinging becomes stronger. Past issues must stay in the past. If you need to bring them up, do so when you are not already arguing about something or, better yet, wait for a marriage counselor to moderate your “discussion”.

But until then, past issues are forbidden. No matter how essential they may feel like to the argument, resist the temptation to go back to the past and dig out all the hurtful words and things that your partner is guilty of. If you do this, there’s a strong possibility that your partner will do the same and now, you will have a thousand arguments to fight and solve instead of just one.

Don’t be rude.

There are so many ways you could be rude when arguing and most of the time, you do so because you want to score a low blow against the other party. But doing so is a sign of disrespect against your partner; do you really want to do something that would make your partner feel unloved and disrespected?

Don’t yell. Don’t curse. Don’t interrupt when your partner is still speaking. Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t make faces. Don’t act obnoxious. These are simple rules of etiquette, but there’s a tendency to deliberately ignore them when you want to win an argument.

Find someone to act as your “moderator”.

It is a childish thing to do, yes, but there comes to a point when you and your partner feel so strongly about a particular issue that the two of you can no longer see the truth even if it’s right in front of you. When all else seems to fail, ask someone to moderate your argument. It has to be someone that both of you know and trust very well---someone both of you believe would be able to act objective and logical as well as give excellent marriage advice.

If you choose to do this, both of you have to agree to abide by that person’s well-meaning advice. Do this as a last resort, though. Marriages are made for two adults. As adults, you can think for yourself and know what’s in your mind and heart. You shouldn’t need someone to tell you the difference between what’s right and wrong.